Episodes We Love Baby Or Bust Dear how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar Sugars

You want kids; your partner doesn’t. Or your partner wants kids, and you don’t. Whatever the scenario, few subjects are as emotionally charged and potentially deal-breaking in a relationship as a disagreement over the decision how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar to become parents.

I am a 34-year-old woman who has been happily married for 5 years. My husband and I are both in the military and how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar have made it through six deployments while together. Currently, I am transitioning out of the military and trying to how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar figure out what career to pursue. My husband sees this transition period as a great time how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar to have children and start a family. I, however, do not want children. He has always known how I feel about kids, but I think he got married to me with the how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar idea that he could change my mind, or that biology would flip some switch and I would how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar want to have kids. It hasn’t. I feel horrible that I can’t give him what he wants. I feel that there is something wrong with me that how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar I don’t want kids. All women are supposed to want kids. Why don’t I?

I have thought that I should just have a baby how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar for my husband, but I know that is a terrible idea. I don’t want to feel resentful towards him or the child, and I have told him as much. This has become a deep source of conflict in our how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar marriage and I am completely to blame. Sugars, I love my husband and our life together and don’t want anything to change. Please, help me figure out what to do. Do I have a baby anyway, or do I let my husband go so he can how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar get what he wants?

Cheryl strayed: baby or bust, is that you are not completely to blame. We must not blame ourselves for the ways we want how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar to live our lives. You told your husband from the outset that you didn’t want kids. Now, he’s also not to blame for thinking you might change how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar your mind. You’re 34 years old, you’ve been married since you were about 29 — a lot of people do change during those years. It’s not completely unreasonable that he might think you were how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar going to be open to the idea of motherhood someday, but you never said you would be. You’re not going to get anywhere by beating yourself up how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar about not wanting kids. It isn’t true that all women want kids. So let’s get rid of that blame and shame piece.

Steve almond: the most unsettling two words in this letter to me how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar are, “I think.” “but I think he got married to me with the how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar idea that he could change my mind.” this is part of what’s so difficult about the letters we’re encountering — it’s not a situation where the marriage is necessarily going how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar to survive. You can’t therapize it away. This is a strong impulse within one partner for a how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar particular, intense experience, and the other partner feeling differently. No one is to blame, but it started with a set of unspoken wishes that how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar weren’t articulated at a crucial moment. You can’t assume about something as huge and fundamental as the how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar decision to have kids. The real question you face is a long conversation with how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar your husband about the sort of life you want to how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar lead and the kind of life he wants to lead, and whether those two are compatible.

Cheryl: you signed your letter "baby or bust." you are at that moment in your life. Either this relationship needs to end so your husband can how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar go pursue the opportunity to become a father with someone how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar else, or maybe by himself, or you need to come to some terms in your how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar relationship where your husband can accept that you are not how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar going to become a mother and you’re not willing, it sounds to me, to save your marriage by having a baby that you how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar really don’t want.

Steve: we should emphasize, you should not have a baby that you don’t want. Baby or bust, you may love your husband and your marriage, but what you really love are the current circumstances. What you want is for things to not change. The moment that you become pregnant, everything does change — not in a ruinous way, but in a way that might not be the experience how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar that you want out of your life.

Cheryl: I agree with that entirely. I will say, some people are ambivalent about having kids. There’s this little piece of them that is willing to how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar explore the idea because their partner wants them to. I don’t think that’s always a bad idea. In that case, I say, really explore what it is you want. And ideally, if you’re in a partnership, do it with your partner. Articulate your fears, your feelings and your desires, because that’s the only way we can really go forward with how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar those big decisions.

Steve: one of the things in your letter that I wonder how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar about, baby or bust, is that part of the experience of being a parent how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar might be the particular way it would operate in your how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar lives. You say that you are transitioning out of the military how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar and trying to figure out what career to pursue. So your husband is still in the military. So implicitly, the way that motherhood and parenting would take shape in how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar your family would be that you would be the stay-at-home mom, and he would be in the military doing a job. It might be that you don’t want kids period. But it might be the context in which it’s presented. You need to be able to make a distinction between how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar those two, and make it for your husband.

Three weeks after that first encounter, we traveled to mexico, spent the following three months living in L.A. (both of us completely broke, I should add), and then moved back to our home of new york how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar city and into our first apartment together.

Over these years together, we have grown to truly appreciate each other’s differences, adore and applaud each other’s ideas and successes, and work through our challenges in a respectful, kind and loving manner. We’re the envy of our friends, and our families are thrilled to see how happy we how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar make each other.

I am a successful writer and creative director and have, in the past two years, saved a large sum of money — enough to buy an apartment and ensure security for the how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar next couple of years. So financially speaking, we are good. I’m also in excellent health. I’m remarkably young-looking for my age, highly energetic and fit as a fiddle.

If I were single, without a doubt in my mind, I’d find a way to have a child immediately, whether through sperm donation or a friend. But I’m in real, serious, beautiful love with this person, and he is in real, serious, beautiful love with me.

Steve: this is tough. Biologically, she’s quite realistic in saying,"this is an experience that I want to have now, not later." if that’s the case, age doesn’t matter until it does, then you have what sounds like a fairly stark choice: do you want the experience of having a child and how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar being a mom, or do you want this love? It’s almost, "no hard feelings," except that it’s impossible not to feel heartbroken and shattered at having how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar to choose one kind of wonderful experience and, by choosing, lose the other.

Cheryl: I think she should get pregnant. I think she should go to the sperm bank and how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar get pregnant. Age doesn’t matter until it does, what you’re saying is, you absolutely know you want to be a mother, and I agree with you that you are running out how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar of time. If you’re so clear that you want to be a mother, you should become a mother. I also completely get why your partner doesn’t want to be a father at the age of how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar 25, but isn’t part of his obligation to you as a partner how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar to not stand in the way of you fulfilling what how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar I think is one of the biggest desires in your how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar life?

Steve: I would further interrogate the question of whether it’s being in a secure, loving relationship that feels crucial to the mixture. That is, the reality of getting pregnant is something you have to how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar be ready to do on your own. It’s a setup for both of you if you’re not perfectly clear in your own mind that this how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar is an experience that you want enough that you’re prepared to do it, not entirely on your own, but without the kind of love and support and companionship how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar and all the wonderful things that you’ve been getting in this relationship. That’s a terrible thing to have to face, but it would be even more terrible to foster the how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar illusion that somehow his mind will change if you get how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar pregnant.

Cheryl: she says, “if I were single, without a doubt in my mind, I’d find a way to have a way to have how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar a baby.” that’s the big thing that gives me clarity when I how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar think about how to give this woman advice. We know for sure that she wants to become a how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar mother, and, if that is the case, I think this relationship has to fall around that. Maybe that means they break up, or maybe they stay together in some fashion and then how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar break up because he isn’t really signed up for this, or maybe he’s like, "I love the baby too, even though it’s not biologically my baby." there are all these different scenarios. But the one scenario that will be true is the how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar scenario that you want to be true the most, which is that you have a baby and you are how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar a mother.

Steve: the underlying issue is, people are frightened of change. And yet, you start to lose yourself if you ignore what your how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar real desires are in life. Age doesn’t matter until it does, I think you need to make this decision sooner rather how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar than later. Waiting is a sort of passive way of letting circumstances how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar decide for you.

Danielle herzog: I married someone when I was in my early 20’s, and I thought I didn’t want to have children. I didn’t want to be responsible for anybody. And I met someone who was very different from me, but who shared that view. Two years after getting married, something started to change in me. I fought it for a long time, thinking it was just hormones telling me I wanted to how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar have kids. But eventually, I said, "I think I want to have children and settle down." my husband at the time wasn’t there and didn’t want those things. So we were at an impasse. We split, and I thought, "maybe I want him back, and maybe we should fight for each other." I walked by a cemetery and saw a headstone of how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar a husband and wife that read, “just the two of us.” it broke my heart. I didn’t want my life to end with me. That’s when I knew that this marriage and this part how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar of my life was over. The irony is, my ex-husband and I are both now married to other people, and we both have children. So I think, you might think you want this, and it might feel so definitive in that moment, but it might be because of the person you’re with and the time period of your life. Just because I loved my ex-husband didn’t mean that we were the right companions for each how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar other.

Cheryl: and not every relationship, even if it’s a great one, is fit for the long haul. I think we often forget to think about romantic love how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar in such practical terms. Sometimes you have to say, "this was wonderful, but now it has to end so I can live how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar the life I want to live, and you can live the life you want, too." that’s not a failure. It can be painful, but it’s usually more painful not to make those choices.

I fear that my desire to be a mom will how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar ultimately end my marriage. I am a 34-year-old woman married to a lovely, caring, supportive man. We have been together for almost a decade. We always had plans for a family, but had agreed to wait until I was close to how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar finishing my post-graduate studies. He is eight years older than me and had more how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar urgency to start a family than I was comfortable with. We discussed and agreed on a time to "let nature happen."

I will spare you the details, but what followed was multiple miscarriages, endless doctors and tests. The doctors don’t know what’s wrong. They say they think it’s “just bad luck." while these experiences were crushing, I continued working on my professional and personal goals, and I have processed my grief over not being able how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar to carry a baby to term. I never envisioned my life without children. I am now comfortable with the idea of providing a how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar loving home for one of the many children in need how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar of love in the world.

My husband, on the other hand, is not interested in raising any children that aren’t his biologically. I’ve brought up the subject in a variety of ways, but he is opposed to even the discussion of adopting how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar a child. He says he would rather it just be the two how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar of us than adopt. This breaks my heart. I know there is still a possibility of me carrying how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar a pregnancy to term at some point, but without knowing what is wrong and the risks increasing how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar with age, I’m terrified of having another miscarriage.

Cheryl: they both want to be parents. That’s where I would begin, full of love with empty arms. You have fears about pursuing it further when it comes how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar to conceiving biologically. They are grounded in reality. You have had miscarriages — it’s a miserable experience. It’s terrifying, it’s sad. It’s heartbreaking, and it’s physically and emotionally difficult. Your husband has fears too, about adoption. You both need to discuss your thoughts, keeping in mind, "we both want to be parents." you’re right that this is a deal breaker — that if your husband will not discuss it, or will not entertain options other than having a biological how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar child, you have every reason to say, "I need to end this relationship so I can pursue how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar motherhood." but I would encourage you strongly to tell your husband how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar that it has reached that kind of breaking point for how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar you.

Steve: and the question for him is, why is he not open to the possibility of raising how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar kids that aren’t biologically his own? He has a right to those feelings, but he also has an obligation to tell you what how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar those feelings are about. You also owe him a further discussion about why you how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar aren’t willing to do any more fertility treatments. It might be that there is, as you discuss it, a little bit of room for you to say for how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar instance, "I’m willing to try treatments for another year, but if that doesn’t work, I need you to explore the possibility non-biological parenthood."

Steve: the one common thread I see in all of these how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar letters is that these women have to take ownership of how to get rid of ants in the house vinegar their lives. They have to be willing to say, at the expense of possibly losing very important, powerful lover-relationships, "this is the life I want, and here’s what I’m willing to sacrifice in order to make that happen."

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