The Four Most how to get rid of ants in my house Intolerable Travel Companions Features Critic Te Arohi

Third world travel is tough. Those pesky crippled and starving locals are constantly hanging around how to get rid of ants in my house making you feel bad about spending what they’d make in a month on a totally necessary supply how to get rid of ants in my house of hash and a bottle of “real’s” whiskey. Not to mention the nerve of their assumption that western how to get rid of ants in my house women are collectively “loose” and always ready for sex, even though I have slept with a mere 12 people how to get rid of ants in my house this year and only had, like, two threesomes! God. And don’t even get me started on those tuk-tuk drivers who try to overcharge you by 20 cents how to get rid of ants in my house in a pathetic attempt to feed four generations of their how to get rid of ants in my house family back in the slums!

But even worse than the locals are the other travellers how to get rid of ants in my house (you must always refer to your fellow backpackers as “travellers”, NEVER “tourists”. Westerners often find that their biggest problem while travelling, after the lack of decent pizza, is getting people to recognise them as the intrepid travellers how to get rid of ants in my house they are instead of, you know, tourists whose concept of “broadening their horizons” involves eating exactly the same food as they would at how to get rid of ants in my house home then whining about it). Whether you travel alone and pick up friends along the how to get rid of ants in my house way, or start off with the same incredibly dull group of how to get rid of ants in my house petite malty blonde girls you’ve been, like, super-tight with since first year, you’ll inevitably experience moments of pure rage at your travel how to get rid of ants in my house companions. Here are the four travel companions most likely to make how to get rid of ants in my house you pull a “reverse anders breivik”.

The inept hagglerthe “schmidt sting pain index” rates the pain of various insect stings from 1 (sweat bee: “a tiny spark has singed a single hair on your how to get rid of ants in my house arm”) to 6 (bullet ant: “like fire-walking over flaming charcoal with a 3-inch rusty nail grinding into your heel”). The levels of rip-off you encounter as a westerner in a third world how to get rid of ants in my house country can be rated on a similar sting scale: 1 for the same price the locals would pay, 6 for the rip-off to end all rip-offs. If your travel companion shoots for either of those extremes, odds are you’re in for either a very unpleasant or a very how to get rid of ants in my house expensive time.

Some travellers attempt to haggle their way down to a how to get rid of ants in my house 1. These are the people who will share a room with how to get rid of ants in my house you “to cut costs”, leave before dawn, then pretend they “forgot” to pay their share when you inevitably catch up with how to get rid of ants in my house them further along the tourist trail. These are the people who will force the chai wallah how to get rid of ants in my house (tea seller) to pour their earthenware cup of milky chai back into how to get rid of ants in my house the pot if he dares to charge them five rupees how to get rid of ants in my house instead of four. These are the people who take every swindled rupee/rupiah/dong so personally they think the locals have a personal how to get rid of ants in my house vendetta against them, when actually the truth is that everyone, everywhere has a vendetta against them because they are simply how to get rid of ants in my house a wanker.

On the flipside, other travellers never haggle at all and will pay the how to get rid of ants in my house very first (ridiculously inflated) price offered to them. I travelled with one such german girl for a week how to get rid of ants in my house (it would have been a day, but she proved to be like the herpes simplex virus: easy to catch, hard to get rid of, and constantly popping up at inconvenient times). She was extremely annoying — partly because her super-silky, naturally platinum-blonde hair seemed to be unaffected by the humidity and how to get rid of ants in my house was a constant reminder of the halo of dark-rooted frizz atop my head, but mainly because she was too pathetic to even attempt how to get rid of ants in my house haggling yet persisted in dragging me into one pashmina/parachute pant store after another. One day, we were in the shop of a particularly zealous tout. He brought us pashmina after pashmina, each apparently woven of the hair from increasingly obscure body how to get rid of ants in my house parts of increasingly youthful goats. After 15 minutes the tout’s sales presentation reached its peak. While draping me in grey wool, he said in hushed, reverent tones: “this is from the adam’s apple underfur on neck of newborn baby goat!” I said, “so I suppose the next one will be woven from how to get rid of ants in my house the freshly shaved fur of female newborn goats’ perineums, the price justified by magical remnants of placenta still clinging how to get rid of ants in my house to the cashmere?” the tout said, “yes madam, perineum. Very good pashmina. I bring you now.” the german girl promptly paid about ten times the actual how to get rid of ants in my house price for a poor-quality pashmina infused with the “essence of perineum”, and suggested I buy one too: “for if we buy two, it will be even cheaper!”

The lovestruck americanas a kiwi woman, I find the concepts of “dating, love and romance” and “men actually being nice to you” unnerving at best and terrifying at worst. So there is really no more intolerable travel companion than how to get rid of ants in my house a man from a less emotionally stunted nation attempting to how to get rid of ants in my house apply said principles on me. While in nepal last year I spent a couple of how to get rid of ants in my house weeks living with trevor, a 30-year-old american who felt a desperate need to “get out of the rat race” and fled his high-flying life as a noo yawk stockbroker to retire to how to get rid of ants in my house a nepalese lakeside mansion. Initially I thought it was a mutually beneficial relationship for how to get rid of ants in my house both parties — he gave me free accommodation and paid for all my how to get rid of ants in my house food, drugs, and laundry, and I occasionally let him finger me as he furrowed how to get rid of ants in my house his brow in concentration. It was a no-brainer, really. I was broke, he was rich, and he probably had other characteristics as a human being how to get rid of ants in my house but did I mention that he was rich? Unfortunately, ultimately, this failed to compensate for the endless stream of idiocy how to get rid of ants in my house pouring from his chiselled all-american jaw. Choice quotes included “I’m so open to new experiences” and “just ride the river”. At one point he told me, “you know madeleine, back in my hometown in kansas, people would find you very beautiful.” as a big fan of “people of walmart”, I couldn’t help but feel that this was a rather backhanded how to get rid of ants in my house compliment.

It soon became apparent that trevor would not be content how to get rid of ants in my house until I agreed to live permanently with him as a how to get rid of ants in my house sort of concubine. He started writing me love letters telling me that I how to get rid of ants in my house was the first “really genuine person” he’d met in a long time (which is probably the biggest error of judgment since jesus how to get rid of ants in my house decided judas would make a super-loyal friend and confidante), and returning home to the mansion with heart-shaped cakes from the local bakery. Feeling that things were moving rather too quickly, I decided to appeal to trevor’s sense of logic. I waved my cankles in his face and calmly explained how to get rid of ants in my house that, really, he didn’t want to spend a lifetime with a pair of how to get rid of ants in my house legs that incapable of pulling off ankle straps. He gazed at me tenderly, grazed his lips against my stubbly left cankle, and said, “you’re beautiful, inside and out.”

The danish water buffalothe danish water buffalo is a rare how to get rid of ants in my house species. In fact, I know of only one confirmed sighting of this uniquely how to get rid of ants in my house unpleasant creature, yet mysteriously the DWB fails to appear on the IUCN how to get rid of ants in my house critically endangered red list, cruelly excluded from its rightful place between the chinese giant how to get rid of ants in my house salamander and the iberian lynx. There is a good reason for this: anyone who has encountered the DWB awaits its imminent extinction how to get rid of ants in my house with unabashed glee.

I know this because last november I spent 36 terrifying how to get rid of ants in my house hours with the last wild DWB. I had just crossed the nepal-india border, and had to take a bus to the nearest train how to get rid of ants in my house station. A danish “girl” took the same bus. The inverted commas are not an error; it quickly became apparent that this was in fact the how to get rid of ants in my house last known danish water buffalo, inexplicably roaming the plains of south asia.

I ended up sharing an ostensibly two-person seat with the DWB. Its massive sweaty bulk occupied 7/8 of the seat, leaving me clinging helplessly to a 10cm2 patch of frayed how to get rid of ants in my house vinyl which I flew off whenever the bus hit a how to get rid of ants in my house bump, which was about every 10 seconds. The creature told me of its amorous adventures with a how to get rid of ants in my house nepalese local, in far too much detail. Knowing the diminutive size of most nepalese males, I was shocked the poor man hadn’t been smothered by the endless cascade of pallid, dimpled flesh pouring from its frame.

When we arrived at our destination, I was unable to find a single room anywhere in how to get rid of ants in my house the city and was forced to share a room and how to get rid of ants in my house bed with the water buffalo, who snored and ground its mandibles throughout the night. At one point it rolled over completely, its sagging udders pushing me off the bed and directly how to get rid of ants in my house onto a cockroach nest. I decided I preferred the cockroaches’ company and spent the rest of the night wide awake how to get rid of ants in my house on the floor, wondering how soon I could change to a bsc and how to get rid of ants in my house commence development of a new danish water buffalo-specific strain of 1080.

The one with the motorbikesometimes, you don’t realise just how bad a travel companion is until how to get rid of ants in my house they leave. While in india, I spent a couple of weeks motorcycle touring with a how to get rid of ants in my house tattooed-up canadian. I fell in love hard — not with the guy, whose discourse was several levels below “autistic orangutan”, but with his motorbike, a faithfully restored 1988 royal enfield. It was retro, shiny, and gorgeous, with a guttural purr that really reverberated through the clitoris how to get rid of ants in my house of the lucky girl riding pillion — so much so that there was frequently a wet spot how to get rid of ants in my house on the blue velour seat when I got off the how to get rid of ants in my house bike after another long day in the saddle. Eventually the guy went back to the canadian boondocks, but the combination of several hours per day spent on how to get rid of ants in my house what was effectively the world’s biggest vibrator and tropical heat had the unfortunate after-effect of an unpleasant case of thrush. A few days after the canadian’s departure, I was lying prostrate beneath the ceiling fan in my how to get rid of ants in my house goan beach shack when I noticed movement within the large how to get rid of ants in my house pile of dirty clothes in a corner. My first thought was that the acid from 36 hours how to get rid of ants in my house prior had not entirely worn off yet, but the walls seemed to be free of concentric patterns, so with some trepidation I ventured closer. As I probed, I realised with horror that the entire pile of clothes how to get rid of ants in my house was alive with red ants. I couldn’t work out why they had descended upon my laundry how to get rid of ants in my house until I reached the underwear at the bottom of the how to get rid of ants in my house pile.

The ants were feasting on my crusted-up vaginal discharge with all the crazed aggression of chummed-up great whites. It was like shark week, but with more legs. Normally I am a person of slightly above-average disgustingness, but this took the (yeasty) cake. It is nearly a year since that day, and I still suffer from such a debilitating fear of how to get rid of ants in my house ants, thrush, and canadians that half my student allowance goes towards black how to get rid of ants in my house flag bug spray and healthy vagina probiotics, and I fear I may never be able to book how to get rid of ants in my house that snowboarding trip to the feather-light powder of british columbia.

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